E3: Nintendo

Face the harsh eye of me, Nintendo!  I will show no mercy!  Let us begin!

Here’s the link to follow along: E3 Nintendo

• Mr. Miyamoto’s dressing room is filled with Pikmin.  I suspect this is true in real life.
• Pikmin are everywhere.  Pikmin on your head.  Pikmin under your seat.  PIKMIN!
• WiiU: You don’t need no stinking TV.  Don’t wait for your TV.  Use the WiiU controller!  Everyone wants a tiny TV to go with their big one, right?  Right?
• Pikmin 3: Look At All Dem Pikmins.  Soon, you will raise a Pikmin army and crush your enemies.
• New rock Pikmin.  These are not hair metal Pikmin, sadly.  They’re just rocks with feet and eyes.
• Man, they’re talking fast.  Holy crap, Pikmin everywhere.  Look, it’s Pikmin.  You know what it is.  Little tiny dudes gang up and wreck crap with a little spaceman.  It’s the story of my life.
• Four leaders at once, but no Captain Olimar.  What happened to him?  It’s a mystery.  I’m assuming crushing, existential malaise and several suicide attempts.
• This is like ten minutes on Pikmin.  Fuck my life.
• Miyamoto trolls the crowd by pretending to throw a Pikmin doll to them and not letting go.  That’s how your dogs feel, people.  Throw the fucking ball.
• Here comes Reggie.  He feels like a purple Pikmin.  I don’t know what that means, but I politely laugh in case Reggie can hear me, thousands of kilometres away.
• Reggie’s giving you the agenda.  I bet this dude runs a motherfucking meeting like a motherfucker, son.
• Netflix, Hulu, YouTube, Amazon Video.  This shit’s gonna change how you experience all this, but they’re not gonna tell you about it today.  If you don’t like it, talk to Reggie.
• Reggie literally just told you to go to E3.nintendo.com.  Are you gonna go or are you gonna go?
• Look, Nintendo has too much stuff to show you, so deal with it.
• WiiU will support two gamepadscreen things.  Maybe you wanna know what they do?  Okay, peep this: pen control, touchscreen, buttons, analog sticks, button sticks, triggers, bumpers, IR tranceiver, motion control, rumble, camera, microphone, stereo speakers, headphone jack, volume control, home button.  YOU GOT THAT?
• Polite, Reggie-fearing applause.
• MiiVerse.  Look at them Miis, running around like so many Pikmin.  Talking.  Always talking.
• This desktop thingy is super-social and totally browser-based (eventually).
• Nintendo’s going full-force at social interaction.  You better have friends, sucka.  I’ll be over here, staring at my empty MiiVerse.  God damn.
• Super Mario Bros. U: It’s Super Mario Bros.  What you expect?
• WIIU BATMAN!  Batman is on your WiiU.  Batman.  Batman.
• Harley introduces a dude.  He comes out and be all French and shit.  Reggie wants him to show us some serious shiznits.  HIT ME.
• Batman: Arkham City Armored Edition.  What’s it gonna have?  WiiU shit, yo, and armoured versions of Batman and Catwoman.  Catwoman hasn’t got her tits out in this costume, so that’s a step up already.
• Look, it’s Batman beating faces on the WiiU with fun gimmicks.  Either you love that idea or you’re some sort of asshole.
• Scribblenauts.  Now you can scribble on your WiiU pad!  The CEO of 5th Cell has boss red shoes.
• DOG CAR.  That just happened.  PUNK ROCK DOG CAR.  Shit just got realer.
• Video package starts.  I literally forget this is a Nintendo console and have to rewind when I see Mass Effect 3, among others, like Ninja Gaiden, Aliens: Space Marines and such.  That’s pretty cool.
• Five years ago, the balance board.  Reggie heard you laughing at him.  HE HEARD YOU.
• WiiFit U: Balance board luge will shred your abs.  This might actually be smart, ‘cos you don’t have to have it on the TV.  Do it in a room with more space to move!
• Sing for WiiU puts lyrics on the pad, so you can karaoke it up without the screen.  I have no joke for this.  I think I’ve just stopped caring or something?
• Terrible acting to kick off a couple of minutes about 3DS stuff!  Thanks, exec dude!  YOUR CHARISMA LIGHTS UP MY LIFE.
• Nintendo literally said, “Fuck it.  We’re not having one conference.  We’re having conferences all week whenever we feel like.  Live with it.”
• Mario Bros. 2: Goldmember.  Mario loves GOLD.  (Insert Glenn Beck jokes here later.)
• Paper Mario Sticker Star.  Now we got stickers.  This is getting really meta here, guys.
• You know what we’re missing?  More Mario games.  Here comes Luigi into 3D mansions, filled with ghosts, and 3D giant spiders, and my palpable, 3D despair.
• Exec pauses for applause, is glad for the break in talking, sweat beading on his brow, throat dry, hands shaking… dear God, get me off this stage now.
• Third party 3DS lineup: GO!  Castlevania, Mickey Mouse, ScribbleNauts, Kingdom Hearts!  And that’s it.
• Reggie’s back.  Nervous guy is backstage, weeping audibly, hands clutching a tumbler of scotch.
• LEGO.  Let’s play with LEGOs on the TV some more.  LEGO City is LEGO!
• Mother of Pearl!  WHY WAS THAT EVEN THERE!?  I love you, self-aware LEGO secret agent dude.  Be my LEGO husband.
• Ubisoft: We’re on all your stages.  We don’t even give a shit.  We even have our own stage.  Suck it, EA.
• Yves Guillemot is French.  Bet you didn’t guess that from the name.
• Let’s see what games he has for us to play!  And by “us”, we mean, a dude on stage.
• Another dude promises not to make Reggie dance, but he will let him be the puppetmaster.  Reggie is down with that.  He tortures the dancers with glee.  I like Reggie.  He’s part evil, like me.
• You know what we don’t have enough of in popular culture these days?  Zombies.  ZombieU is gonna fix that.  WiiU pad works like sonar, x-ray, inventory, sniper scope, hacking, and GET OFF OF ME screens.  Zombies.
• Reggie gets zombiefied onscreen, enjoys it way too much, threatens to eat the French exec.  This isn’t a joke.  I’m just reporting facts now.  That’s what I do.
• Ubisoft clip reel.  They have games.
• When did Ubisoft get the Marvel license?
• Welcome to NintendoLand.  I don’t know what this means, but if Nintendo made a theme park, I might actually go to it, just to duck on a green pipe.
• Remember Ninja Gaiden’s ninjastar bonus stage?  That’s a NintendoLand thing now.  Old ideas are new again!
• In my living room, the person with the WiiU gamepad is the boss.  That’s our living room government.  There are no appeals, no mercy, only the harsh rule of the gamepad holder.
• Luigi’s Mansion multiplayer: one person is the ghost, the other players are lost in the mansion, stalked by an unseen, unforgiving, malevolent spirit.  I’m not even gonna lie, I’d play this.
• Some trailer played.  I don’t even know what the hell.
• I honestly don’t even understand what NintendoLand is at this point.  Some kind of online theme park.

Summing up: They spent an hour on WiiU games and I have no idea what’s going on with them.  I guess I have to go watch a bunch of other Nintendo presentations?  Basically, Nintendo made a console and it’s gonna totally change your life in ways they’re not going to tell you in this presentation.  Not blown away here, guys.  I guess I’m off to E3.nintendo.com?