E3 2012: Sony!

Okay, here we go: Highlights of the Sony Press Conference.  Expect sarcasm and swears!

Here’s the link to follow along: E3 Sony

  • Sony has purchased all the TVs and put them on their stage.
  • I suspect a critical shortage of dubsteb in the world after E3’s over. Game companies will have used it all up.
  • Lots of video of upcoming games. Multiplatform vs. exclusive ratio still to be determined.
  • Rapid fire images and clips. I have stopped caring. Start, dang it!
  • Jack Tretton on stage. I hope he says something assholish and crazy. Immediately demands applause for himself. SCORE.
  • Tretton takes a cue from Mick Foley, goes for a cheap pop, mentioning “you the gamers”.
  • Tretton mentions Kaz Hirai, says he has a commitment to jaw-dropping entertainment. His accent makes it sound like “drawer-dropping”. I giggle.
  • Quantic Dream has a new game. Fingers-crossed that I have to strip for a creepy mobster again!
  • New game is called “Beyond”. Name gets a pop for some reason. Game is about death. Sounds cheery!
  • Ellen Page to star in Beyond. Very cool. I look forward to being creeped out by the uncanny valley.
  • Yup, there it is.
  • Very excited about Page’s performance in this game. So far, she’s said one line and it was actingestly amazing ACTING!
  • Tretton: the PS3 is shattering expectations in its sixth year. Hopefully, he’s not talking about finding new lows and has something amazing to reveal!
  • Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale: It’s not just a rip-off of Smash Bros., it’s a way to shove all Sony’s IPs into one game for guaranteed success! Right? …right? …anybody?
  • Good news, you can play this game on the PS3 and Vita at the same time: Most expensive controller ever.
  • Nope, I was wrong. It’s just a rip-off of Smash Bros. Visually, this looks like a hodge-podge of art styles. How did Nintendo side-step that pitfall all these years? I never noticed that as an issue for Smash Bros.
  • LIGHTS OUT. Dark and scary! BIOSHOCK! Mr. Bubbles in All-Stars?
  • Talking about PlayStation network or something. I’m not sure. I’ve tuned out mentally. Look at my digital download game bias!
  • PlayStation Plus still pumping out free games. Pretty cool. Five bucks a month might be worth it, y’know, if I ever turned my PS3 on.
  • Sony gives away free year subscription to people in attendance. Fanboys watching online explode with jealousy.
  • Sony’s online TV stuff sounds awesome. You know, if you’re in the US and can actually watch that shit. Screw you, media content providers! Y U NO GIVE ME TV!?
  • PSVita Exclusive Assassin’s Creed. More stabbin’ and horse ridin’ than you can imagine! Nice. Features a lady assassin main character!
  • Assassin’s Creed III! Stabbing on land and in the ocean! PIRATE’S CREED! Interest level: Increased.
  • New FarCry game. I expect fancy trees and water! I DEMAND MORE TREES!
  • UbiSoft has a secret: they made two FarCry games. Regular FarCry and FarCry: Four Player Co-op! Hopefully this doesn’t mean you can buy two games instead of one game with two modes.
  • IN YOUR FACE INSANITY! Just keep saying that like it means something!
  • Tretton starts talking about PlayStation Move. Audience manages to suppress making an audible sigh.
  • Sony smartly realizes that Move isn’t for everyone, so it’s mostly just an add-on mode to other games. We’ve won, fatties. We’ve won.
  • Wonderbook: Sony makes a book interface for your PS3. They’ve partnered with J.K.Rowling to bring Satanism and un-Godliness to your TV!
  • Good news: you can read a book on your TV now. Thanks, Sony! That’s what was missing from videogames: reading books.
  • Bad news: the book is broken! Live demos are the bane of new technology!
  • Sony is bringing PlayStation Mobile to Android. Has Sony done something ingenious and stepped outside of proprietary hardware? I hope so!
  • Dismemberment for everyone! More blood! More quicktime! More severed limbs! Looking forward to the innovative God of War 4: Kratos Kills Again!
  • Kratos uses the Sands of Time to rewind time and climb a broken wall and scaffold! Kratos does not use the Sands of Time to save two dudes that got speared by goatmonsters. Way to (still) be a dick, Kratos.
  • Why you gotta kill an elephant man, Kratos? Don’t you know they’re endangered? Dick.
  • Next up we have a game by Naughty Dog that’s totally not another Uncharted game! The Last of Us: not Nathan Drake and a female sidekick in a post apocalyptic world!
  • If this is non-scripted gameplay, this could be a pretty cool game, really. Would be great if your sidekick could be another player.

Summing up: Pretty good, Sony. High hopes for Last of Us, PS: Mobile and Beyond.


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