I’m sitting at work right now, kinda groggy, and a little bit dizzy, owning, no doubt, to the ongoing bout with a cold that I got sometime last week or the week before.
I don’t really understand colds. I thought a cold was just like a flu that didn’t take hold properly and made your nose runny and gave you a cough and you wanted a nap, but Toni told me that they’re two separate illnesses and that you could get a “really bad cold” (which, heretofore, I thought was a flu). Imagine my surprise.
See, unlike most people, I apparently had never had a real cold until last year. Prior to this, a cold was an excuse to take a day off of work, play videogames and watch TV while lying on the couch, and then have an hour-long nap in the afternoon. (My naps generally last 20 minutes, tops, so an hour-long nap is like if you went to bed one night and then didn’t wake up until the next day.)
(It’s exactly like that.)
So here I am. Groggy. With a real cold. Again. I was feeling pretty well this weekend, and decided the thing I needed to get my strength back was chicken. Not chicken soup. Fried chicken. So I went across the street to Popeye’s and got some for me and the lady.
Happily, we consumed the chicken and biscuits. Later that night, after my second cup of coleslaw, a clammy queasiness set in. A nap was necessary.
After about an hour, I woke up and then rushed to the bathroom where my insides let loose a thundering torrent that threatened to propel me bodily from the toilet as I held on, gripping the sides of the bowl with my hands in an effort to simply remain aseat.
Not only was this intestinal incident stripping me of any partially-digested foodstuffs that remained within my digestive tract, but it also tore down my illusions of fairness and cruelty and the nature of existence.
I began to yell.
“THIS ISN’T FAIR! HOW CAN I GET FOOD POISONING WHILE I’M SICK? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? HOW CAN GOD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN?”
In the livingroom, the sound of Farscape and Toni’s laughter issued forth.
The world is a cruel place. There is no God.
Later, a doctor explained to me calmly that “sometimes viruses do that”. I hate him so much.